nostalgia re-visited

AppealTooReason

2009-03-24T02:28:35Z

whoa Rambo, relax. There's no way to change your user name, and I wanted something more appealing. I'm not getting rid of the damn thing shit, chill. so i made a new name. it's not like i wasn't gonna add you. Jesus Christ. and what the hell are you saying? you act like i didn't give a fuck. I was fighting a war you knew I was going to lose. and I knew it too. and I still tried. Christ. but whatever helps you sleep at night. you're telling me to grow up, yet you're doing it in an LJ entry? that's a little hypocritical, and very unbecoming of you my dear. you should take your own advice. I'm not arguing over the internet like an eleven year old. that's just weak shit. so if you need to talk to me, for whatever reason, whenever, you can call me. and we can have a "nice little chat" love. I'm always going to remember you as you were. not as you are now. I knew you once. Now i don't even recognize you. so we're both different. strangers. and I wanted to leave this on a good note. the username's my subject.

jealousy_lost @ 2009-03-21T14:12:00

2009-03-21T18:13:34Z

today is saturday. yes. it is. and things need to be gotten done today. its nice out, and i plan on enjoying it. im supposed to go to suppa's later and maybe power hour tonight. oh man. ive always wanted to try that. anyways, i made a new journal too. once i learn how to spiffy everything up and make it look nice ill switch over and whatnot. jealousy lost is complete.

jealousy_lost @ 2009-03-21T14:11:00

2009-03-21T18:11:56Z

I doubt that.

jealousy_lost @ 2009-03-08T21:50:00

2009-03-09T01:50:46Z

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

Honestly, I'm just trying to float.

2009-03-06T23:16:08Z

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way."

my job is pretty much my ace in the hole.
I hang out with my friends and chill otherwise.
catch up on sleep when I can. I need to get
to filling out that college and nursing application.
aside from that though, life is kind of morose.
i feel down most of the time, and everything is
either fallen into disrepair or it's just not the same.
I've been feeling wicked alone and sad just most of the time.
I'm probably on crack or whatever. It's probably stupid. whatever.
admitting how i'm feeling is already pissing me off.
It feels as if friends and lovers become strangers and
I wake with less and less everyday. I don't know where
you're taking me, but I don't like being led through the
dark by my wrist yo. I just wish i knew. I just want to know.
to not have to worry, or stay up awake at night thinking.
i want to know about everything. i want to know im going to be
okay. that what this is is nothing really. that its just a dream
and im waking up to something better. I just want something
to break me from my quiet desperation.

I think someone just wrote a song about me. holy shit.

2009-02-25T01:28:32Z

Day n nite. I toss and turn, I keep stressin’ my mind, mind.
I look for peace, but see I don’t attain.
What I need for keeps this silly game we play, play.
Now look at this.
Madness the magnet keeps attracting me, me.
I try to run, but see I’m not that fast.
I think I’m first but surely finish last, last.
‘Cause day n nite,
the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at nite.
He’s all alone through the day n nite.
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at nite, ah ah at nite.
Day n nite.
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at nite.
He’s all alone, some things will never change.
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at nite, ah ah at nite

Hold the phone.
The lonely stoner- Mr. Solo Doe Low.
He’s on the move, can’t seem to shake the shade.
Within his dreams he sees the life he made.
Made.
The pain is deep.
A silent sleeper, you won’t hear a peep, peep.
The girl he wants don’t seem to want him too.
It seems the feelings that she had are through.
Through.

Cause day n nite.
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at nite
He’s all alone through the day n nite.
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at nite, ah ah at nite.
Day n nite.
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at nite.
He’s all alone, some things will never change.
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at nite, ah ah at nite

Slow mo.
When the tempo slows up and creates that new, new.
He seems alive, though he is feelin blue.
The sun is shinin man he’s super cool.
Cool.
The lonely nites, they fade away he slips into his white Nikes.
He smokes a clip and then he’s on the way,
To free his mind in search of…
To free his mind in search of…
To free his mind in search of…

Day n nite.
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at nite
He’s all alone through the day n nite.
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at nite, ah ah at nite.
Day n nite.
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at nite.
He’s all alone, some things will never change.
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night, ah ah at night.

jealousy_lost @ 2009-02-12T16:15:00

2009-02-12T21:16:09Z

Fuck valentines day. straight up.

The song has ended, but the melody lingers on.

2009-02-08T08:50:39Z

It's been forever since I've updated in this thing. I'll have to break everything down that's been significant in my life. It's over. for a reason that i don't and probably never will understand. for something that lies just beyond my fingertips because of paranoid suspicions and the crazy notions that the conscious mind dream up. However, the reasons aren't the point. The death blow is that it's over. four long years. blood sweat and tears. all of it. done. ended. gone. buried. dead. whatever word you want to use. i'm still in shock really. I thought of it as a constant. I never thought I'd see the day. but i was wrong. I have to re-learn how to focus on doing just me. It'll be hard not to tell you i love you all the time. or want to hold your hand or cuddle you. but that's the path that's been laid out before me. and that's the one I guess I'm going to follow. I'm really going to miss you. I love you. very much.
In other news, my dad called the other day to tell me of my great grandmothers funeral. he didn't ask anything about me or how i was doing. he didn't ask to speak to me or care to know if i was even there or not. I guess from what i was told he really wants nothing to do with me. alright. I've dealt with that once before from a father figure, I can do it again. fuck that.
February 19th, I go to a meeting for pre-gaming nursing school. I want to pave the road to that in my future soon so hopefully I can be a registered nurse before I'm 25. I don't want to be a doctor though. I want to help people hands on, you know? get to really know the people. to really save them. I've been saving at least $100 dollars from every check, and i figure by june or july ill have close to $2000. After that I want to start apartment searching. I don't care if I move out with someone else or by myself really. I just want a change of scenery. misery will be my motivation.
winterfest was this weekend, although i didn't go. It was nice out at least. It's about 4am now, so I think I'm going to give it twenty minutes and then smoke a bowl to the head. safety and peace yo.

jealousy_lost @ 2009-02-07T17:25:00

2009-02-07T22:28:29Z

Please Mr. Nichols come back inside the window
I can’t promise you anything, but I trust that there is far greater reason to live
I know you’ve become disheartened and disillusioned by the current state of affairs
Your stocks are falling, your investments have failed you
The man from whom you took orders has been ordered to jail by his and your subordinates
You question what is this world coming to
What is the profit margin when you’re forced to pander to the marginalized
Where’s the glory you dreamt of as a child..
Dressed as a cowboy, your play gun pointed at real targets
Your mother, holding her tongue as your father consoles her with the words..
“it’s just boy stuff”

Well
You joined his fraternity, you grew into his old suits
You acquired his beliefs, you embodied his dreams and with them his oversights.
How long did you think it would last?
It’s just a matter of time.
The world is far from over.

Look...
Your mother outlives your father,
Your sister outlives your brother.
And if you jump from this window today..
She’ll also outlive you.
Look at her, sitting in her midwestern home, tuned into Opera once again
Today, she learns to meditate on a second-hand couch.
Meanwhile, you stand outside this window
Twelve stories above the ground
One story remaining untold...

You contemplate the setting sun,
Unaware of your disorientation.
Dis-orient: turned away from the east.
The shifting current seems to conspire against you.
Mr. Nichols, you fail to see that you’ve always stood outside of this window, perched on the threshold of oblivion.
Countless man made stories above the truth
For so long you’ve stood facing the setting sun
Mistaking the complimentary unified duality of nature as being right or wrong
Good or evil
God or devil
Mr. Nichols instead of stepping from this ledge into the downfall of your up rise
Why not just turn around
Lessen the intensity of your western glare and face the rising sun
Note the energy swirling from its center
How it illumines us all and only the birds fly first class...

There is your inheritance!
The warmth of a kiss
Invest your tongue into the mouth of mystery
Allow her breath to seep into your lungs and surrender to her touch and guidance
There’s no other way
Your dreams of dominance will only help you forsake yourself
While your family continues its search for understanding
And your daughters outlive your sons...

jealousy_lost @ 2009-02-04T10:47:00

2009-02-04T15:48:19Z

It's when I see you smile and i know it's not for me, that's when i'll miss you most.

jealousy_lost @ 2008-12-21T14:59:00

2008-12-21T20:00:02Z

hiiii im lame
and i cause all this chaos and dont remember doing so

k bai

jealousy_lost @ 2008-10-19T21:58:00

2008-10-20T02:00:36Z

I'll be here.
I'll be waiting here.
I'll be waiting for you so,
If you come here. You'll find me.
I promise.

jealousy_lost @ 2008-10-16T06:41:00

2008-10-16T10:44:05Z

"Look, I've never had a dream in my life
'cause a dream is what you want to do but
still haven't pursued. I knew what i wanted and
did it till it was done. So, I've been the
dream that I wanted to be since Day One."

Going Up Mr. Armijo? =)
Why Yes. Yes I Am.

I got mauled by a tiger =(

2008-10-13T11:11:14Z

Yeah. that was pretty much my dream last night. I was at Mcphereson Park with my dog Fiona, and we were all chilling taking her for a walk or something, and this big ass tiger shows up. like big ass tiger. and I'm all. OH FUCK! THAT'S A STRAIGHT UP FUCKING TIGER! FUCK THIS IM OUT! So i grab the dog and we start hauling ass back to my car all SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.
I get the dog in the car, and I run to the opposite side to open my door, and the tiger has somehow managed to have beaten me to my own vehicle from a distance longer than the one i traveled. Not only that, but he's mighty pissed that I'm trying to leave and has bitten my forearm and dragged me to the ground.
So there I am, outside my car, laying on my back with a big ass tiger chillin' on top of me with my right forearm in it's mouth. I'm thinking I'm dead, so i start squirming and punching the mother fucker with my left hand. FOR SOME REASON, this confuses the tiger and he lets go. So i start getting up swinging hitting him with lefts and rights and jabs and shit. I felt like Rocky. Anyway, to make a long fight scene short - I dropped him like third period french.
Than I got in my car and hauled ass away to my house, which for some reason had been moved from ten feet away to a whole 'nother fucking city. I woke up thinking. "Yeah, i could fist fight a tiger." but i think a bear is stronger than a tiger so I'm keeping my sn. Anyways, that's my story. I have to head to Lahey now. =D

Safety and Peace.

334th episode

2008-10-13T02:47:23Z

Tomorrow's the day. I have to be in for 0900 hours. That's 9am for any of you that aren't bad-ass enough to know military time. I should be getting out around 1500 hours. Yet again, that's 3pm. I have to work at 1700 hours. 5pm. I'm out at 2100 hours. 9pm. Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays are going to be my most hectic days because I have work at Hannaford and Lahey. I have to do this for six weeks. That's eighteen days total where this will go down. Hopefully after that I can quit Hannaford IF Lahey hires me. If not, well then, there's plenty of other open doors.
Other than that, work today was cake. I sorted by myself, which was easy cause it was a small load. Life's getting brighter by the day. I'm always ready for the storm clouds though. Hope for the best. Expect the worst.

On another note, I think I'm getting sick. Infected.
If i turn anytime soon - you know what to do. XD

Safety and Peace.

333rd episode

2008-10-10T19:26:59Z

Okay, so where do i begin? Hm. Well i suppose it would make the most sense to begin from the beginning right? madness i tell you. madness. However, I went to the interview at Lahey yesterday. That hospital is fucking huge. six different buildings. They have three different addresses. I dressed sharp, like a suit and tie. I felt so professional. business, bidness, busyness. I found out she switched my department to hematology/oncology because I'd learn more there and I'd have more to do. not to mention she said I'd have a better chance of employment afterward. Nothing about a drug test was mentioned. I got an ID badge and have to fill out all this paperwork, but aside from that I'm supposed to start on Monday if everything works out and i have my "malpractice insurance". That means I'm covered if i fuck up and hurt someone. which i don't think i will.
OH YEAH! I totally finished school. I'm pretty sure I kept my 4.0 GPA all the way through. That and i have a 98% attendance average. So all I have to do is prove myself here now. It just sucks because it's a 45 minute ride there with minimal traffic. I plan on leaving like two hours early everyday just so I arrive on time cause this place really is huge. It'd be perfect if it were like 100 vs. 100 in paintball. no. I'd say 200 vs. 200. There'd have to be mad refs though too. ANYWAY, aside from that life is good.
I've been reading the hagakure. I want to post a quote in here everyday to make people think. It's a really deep book. OH! and I finished throwing the money down on dead space. which comes out the fourteenth!!!! Check that shit.

Yeah. I can't fucking wait. =D
Safety and Peace.

The picture speaks for itself.

2008-10-08T16:37:24Z

jealousy_lost @ 2008-10-06T21:16:00

2008-10-07T02:03:30Z

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Weep, and you weep alone."

So the premise is to pretty much never stop laughing. So i don't. I find optimism in everything. That's how I'm coping. It's like reverse psychology almost in a weird twisted way. Enough though.
I don't want to get into it with Other prying eyes.
My weekend was actually pretty damn good. I found out I'm going to Lahey Clinic for my externship. I start in the Orthopedics department. I have no clue where that is. I guess it's four floors, with three wings to each floor. I have to go thursday for a meeting with the career advisor. That means shirt and tie, dress pants and dress shoes. I'm going to look mad fresh. Tomorrow is tuesday, and I plan on going for a dry run up there just to make sure i know how to get there and how much time its going to take me. This is pretty much it. The fruit of all my labor. Once i pass externship, they either give me a job or I have to go job hunting. Secondly, I wonder when I get drug tested. We'll know if it's round the clock or just once by the end of december. People are on edge.
Sunday I went paintballing. SO MUCH FUN. greatest stress reliever. we played from like eleven to four. three different maps. me and thomas watched each others' backs. we were covering each other and yelling out military commands and whatnot. i killed three people in one match. i felt proud of myself. I could easily turn that into a hobby. People were decked out in camo and had replicas of real guns. our guns that we rented only were cheap and you had to lob the paintball to hit someone while theirs' are zinging by my head and stuff. such a good game though. I'd want to buy gear and whatnot and get a better gun. biggest stress reliever. anyway. i need to get me some sleep. safety and peace.

It's always easier to get forgiveness than permission

2008-09-27T18:46:27Z

"They exist without permission. They are hated, hunted, and persecuted. They live in quiet desperation amongst filth. and yet they are capable of bringing entire civilizations to their knees.
So if you are dirty, insignificant, and unloved - rats are the perfect role model."

My life kicks so much ass. it's like three parts badass, one part awesome. Last night a lot of truths came to bear, about how it's all black and white really. It's either yes or no. blind leaders. knowing yourself. and helping people find out who they are. i discussed philosophy and found enlightenment. epiphanies in others, and in myself. I'd say it was one of the best nights I've had in a really long time. Thank You. Especially two people whom I know will never ever read this, but Thank You. So much.

and on a side note, I have an appointment with an army recruiter on Tuesday.

332nd episode

2008-09-26T03:04:19Z

And yo whatever comes up comes out
We don't put our hands over our mouth
And whatever comes up comes out
We don't put our hands over our mouth
Whatever comes up comes out
Please mister bass-man lay it on me

Ayo, Depending on the day, and depending on what I ate
I'm anywhere from 20 to 35 pounds over weight
I got red eyes and one of them's lazy
and they both squint when the sun shines so I look crazy
I'm albino man, I know I'm pink and pale
And I'm hairy as hell, everywhere but fingernails
I shave a cranium that ain't quite shaped right
Face tight, shiny, I stay up and write late nights
My wardrobe is jeans and faded shirts
A mixture of what I like, and what I wear to work
I'm not mean and got a neck full of razor bumps
I'm not the classic profile of what the ladies want
You might think I'm depressed as can be
But when I look in the mirror I see sexy ass me
And if that's something that you cant respect then that's peace
My life's better without you actually
To everyone out there, who's a little different
I say damn a magazine, these are gods fingerprints
You can call me ugly but cant take nothing from me
I am what I am doctor you ain't gotta love me

[Spoken]
If you would please turn in your bible
To beauty tips according to Forest Whitiker
In the third chapter of the third line
Brother Ali would you please read to the choir for me son

[Sung 3X]
I'ma be all right, you ain't gotta be my friend tonight (you ain't gotta love me)
An I'ma be okay, you would probably bore me anyway (you ain't gotta love me)

331st episode

2008-09-24T01:57:14Z

Lonely once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying

I am sitting on the clouds
I got smoke coming from my seat
I can play basketball with the moon
I got the whole world at my feet
Playing touch football on a Marijuana Street
Or in a marijuana field, you are so beneath my cleats
Get high, so high that I feel like lying
Down in a cigar, roll me up & smoke me cause
I feel like dying

Lonely once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying

Swimming laps around a bottle of Louis The 13
Jumping off of a mountain into a sea of Codeine
I'm at the top of the top but still I climb
And if I should ever fall the ground will then turn to wine
Pop, Pop, I feel like flying, then I feel like frying, then
I feel like dying

Lonely once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying

I can mingle with the stars & throw a party on Mars
I am a prisoner locked up behind zanax bars
I have just boarded a plane without a pilot
And violets are blue, roses are red
Daisies are yellow, the flowers are dead
Wish I can give you this feeling
I feel like buying
And if my dealer don't have no more, then
I feel like dying

Lonely once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying

330th episode

2008-09-20T19:49:39Z

is that what you truly and honestly want?

jealousy_lost @ 2008-09-20T12:26:00

2008-09-20T16:24:48Z

Ain't no way to explain or say
How painful the hangover was today
In front of the toilet, hands and knees
Trying to breathe in between the dry heaves
My baby made me some coffee
Afraid that if I drink some it's probably coming right back out me
Couple of advil, relax and chill
At a standstill with how bad I feel
I think I need to smell fresh hair
So I stepped out the back door and fell down the stairs
The sunlight hit me dead in the eye
Like it's mad I gave half the day to last night
My bad sight made me trip on my ass right into that patch of grass like that's life
All of a sudden, I realize something
The weather is amazing, even the birds are bumpin
Stood up and took a look and a breath
And there's that bike that I forgot that I possessed
Never really seen exercise as friendly
But I thing something's telling me to ride that slow speed
The brakes are broken, it's alright
The tires got air and the chain seems tight
Hopped on and felt the summertime,
It reminds me of one of them Musab lines like

Sunshine, sunshine, it's fine
I feel it in my skin, warming up my mind,
Sometimes you gotta give in to win,
I love the days when it shines, whoa let it shine

If I could I would keep this feeling in a plastic jar
Bust it out whenever someone's actin hard
Settle down, barbeque in the backyard
The kids get treats and old folks get classic cars
Every day that gets to pass is a success
Every woman looks better in a sun dress
The sunshine's an excuse to shoot hoops, get juice
Show improve their moves and let loose
I hear voices, I see smiles to match em
Good times and you can feel it in the fashion
Even though the heat cooks up the action
The streets still got butterflies
Enough kids to catch 'em
Ridin my bike around these lakes man
Feelin like I finally figured out my escape plan
Take it all and the day started off all wrong
Somehow now that hangover is all gone
Ain't nothing like the sound of the leaves
When the breeze penetrates these southside trees
Leanin' up against one, watchin the vibe
Forgettin' all about the stress, thanking god I'm alive
It's so simple, I had to keep the song simple
When I get home I'm gonna open all the windows
Feelin all right, stopped at a stop sign
A car pulled up, bumpin Fresh Prince's Summertime

Never Give Up.

2008-09-16T20:06:28Z

"The grass will always looks greener on the other side,
until you get there and realize it's just astro-turf."

I'm going to have a harder time getting a job in the medical field because of my record. I guess anybody who does background checks means that I'm not getting externship. nevermind a job. I got a 98 and a 96 in EKG and specimen collection. Apparently I could get a job with the american red cross if i get certified in hematology. 16 an hour. full benefits. paid for gas. i can choose my hours. its hard. sometimes i just want to quit. just to go back. because the grass looks greener on the other side. but then i remember what thomas told me. the quote in the beginning and i realize, this is whats best. i cant give up. i have to go on. this is what ive strived so hard for. im at the point of no return. no going back kiddo. cross your fingers. Go for broke. Keep the Faith. Safety and Peace.

It felt like you didn't want to let go today.

2008-09-15T03:04:22Z

Will someone please call a surgeon?
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company
I can't accept that it's over,
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry.
So just say how to make it right.
And I swear I'll do my best to comply.

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

I feel i must interject here!
You're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history,
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave.
So please back away and let me go.

I can't my darling I love you so!
But oh, oh!

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?
Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future!
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures?

I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again!

You've got a lure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye.